Thursday, April 30, 2009

Okay now...
Anyone that knows me will tell you, I love pigs. Always have, always will.

This thing in Egypt has gotten me all kinds of upset.
400,000 pigs being slaughtered over a fear, not a real threat, but a fear.

Not only are people in Egypt going to lose their livelyhoods, but 400,000 pigs are going to be murdered. 400,000.

It makes me cry.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

month of memories April 29th

I thought to myself...

"I loved this dress when I saw it" I felt so pretty when I tried it on, and boy did my eyes light up when he bought it for me.
I sure did look like a mommy to be, happy and light.

But not today, My favorite holiday. I had my Easter dress, my Easter Bonnet, all ready for church with no husband to walk me through the door. The hot streaks of my tears ran my make-up.
I didn't think that this was how it was going to be. Sure the baby was a surprise, but I was happy. Plans change, I wasn't going to grad school either.

"not today," I thought, "I am supposed to be pretty today, and happy"
I heard a car door shut and I ran to the window.

He came. All the way to my mothers, he drove down and here he was, dressed in a Sunday suit, holding a big Easter Basket. Althought I was hurting, my heart fluttered a bit. It was going to be okay.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

April 28th. month of memories

the music pulsed through my body and the alchohal ran through my viens.
God he was so hot, and such a great dancer! I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe my first night out and already THIS!

As we left the club, the breeze on my skin felt like silk. He ran his fingers through my hair and smiled. I couldn't help but feel butterflies. He was so good looking and a Navy man at that!
He leaned in for a kiss. It felt like my first kiss all over. I hadn't kissed anyone but J. for 8 years. I didn't know how to lean in or how he liked to be kissed, only how J liked to kiss. And it happened, it was good, it was sweet.

He asked if he could call me, of course he could call me. He was the kinda guy you brought home to mom and dad.
As I drove away, I prayed... God call me, please call me. I hope he calls me.

He called.

Monday, April 20, 2009

in honor of 420..its a month of memoris 4/20 style

It was late. Smoke filled the car.
I couldn't beleive I was here, but then again, I couldn't believe much of the nights happenings. Although it wasn't night anymore, "what time is it?" I realized I was thinking my thought aloud. Everyone started to laugh.

As my friend passed me the joint he said... "dude, look at the clock, it's 4:20"

I could barely see the clock. But laughter ensued...for like, ever, it seemed.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

April 14th...the monster

The light shone through the shades. My vision was blurry and my head was pounding. "God," I thought to myself, "I really slept here?"
Finally my eyes were able to focus.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Boogers...on the wall, the ENTIRE wall.
It was as if he would wake up in the morning and lay one on the wall as some ritual.

I grabbed my shoes and ran...ran as fast as I could.
He couldn't understand why I left and more over why I never came back.

His nickname, the boogie monster.

Monday, April 13, 2009

April 13th..

"I hear him..that's his cry Michael!"
It was so raspy and sad. We made our way almost pushing the nurse aside. The sight of him broke my heart. 11 months old and already his second surgery. This time was different. This time he could call for mommy and daddy, but we couldn't hear him or hold his hand.

I'd hoped they treated him like he was theirs, but no one could really, he was mine. My precious boy...'Mommy's here..shhhhh shhhhh shhhh". I wanted to hold him so badly.

His eyes opened, groggy and filled with tears. He must have thought we did this to him. "Mommy's here. Shhhhh... I love you honeybee, Mommy's here."
Busy weekend...skipped two days.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

april 9th, a month of memories.

I thought I was going to kill him. The knives were a few feet away, but he was still holding the baby. My hands were trembling and I felt out of control. I never thought I would get the numbers right and when I did, I never thought they would answer, it was 3 in the morning after all.

I was sobbing, hiding in the closet, begging my father to calm me down. The sound of his voice was soothing. I didn't think I was going to make it, I didn't think my husband and I were going to make it. All I could think of was this gut wrenching sadness that had gripped me.

April 8th. Over the Hump day

The music was loud...bangin' loud. My blood was running thin. I swear I could feel the beats dancing on my skin. Looking to my right I noticed my BFF having words with this tiny skank of a girl. The skank wasn't backing down. I gave it a few ...looked back over and the girl just wouldn't step off.

So I made her.
It became a battle of curse words, pushes and shoves, until skank dumped her beer down my white blouse...It was on like donkey kong! Then it happened...suddenly I felt a warm hand around my throat and my feet were lifting off the floor! I couldn't breath as I stared up the nostrils of some amazon sheman. We later named her Mama Balooga. My hands started flaling around trying to slap her and I let out these awful little squeaks. (totally intentional..right) Wow..I couldn't get her off me. Seconds seemed like minutes. I heard a bunch of "put her down!!!" comments and muffled yelling. When a hand reached up and slapped her across the face. I could finally breath. The guy that had been macking on me all night had taken action and actually had to hit her to get her to let go.

Security started to jump in and almost tackle...we were all escorted to the door. Mama Balooga was shown the way out with her skank girlfriend, we on the other hand..friends with security..were escorted to the bar. :)

Monday, April 06, 2009

April 7th, The proposal

Who doesn't like to hear about the proposal?
How about Before the proposal...

We were in the airport about to take off to Cali. I couldn't wait. Catalina Island was one of my favorite places to go and she sat patiently waiting off the coast for my arrival.

We loaded our luggage and made our way to security.
I went through and then Michael with his carry on bag.
All of a sudden the security officer stopped Michael, the following transpired:

"Sir, your going to have to open your bag"

Michael stood daughted.
He unlocked the bag and started laying the contents on the table.

Suddenly he pulled out a package wrapped in brown paper, taped together in white tape. I got a sick feeling in my stomach and my mouth dropped to the floor.
"Oh my God!!! Did someone slip you drugs??"

Michael looked at the security officer in embarrassment..."It's a gift for my girlfriend."

"Well sir, you are going to have to unwrap that!"

"Can you run it through the machine one more time? Please?"

The officer smiled, still a little gaurded. She ran the package through and was finally able to see it's contents. She smiled at Michael, handed the package back and wished us both a nice vacation.

A Month of Memories, April 6th.

I remember hearing the chirping and looking down to see a little bird struggling in the grass.
I knew better than to touch it, but there was no nest above and he was so small.
I picked him up thinking that I could get him some food and feed him till he was able to fly.
Even though my second thoughts were screaming at me, it was already too late, he was in my little hands. If I put him down now, he would surely die.

I looked up to see my step-father rounding the corner. I was going to get in trouble for touching him, I had to hide him quick. I tossed him as gently as I could into the bush next to me hoping he would have a gentle landing.

When I came back only minutes later to check on him and rescue him once more, I found that the fall had broken his neck.
I was so young, maybe I knew better, maybe I didn’t, but the thought of it still haunts me and I feel no less guilty 24 years later.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

April 5th early

It was wrong on so many levels, but I didn't care.
Tequilla was my favorite drink at the time, it made me feel good, the music made me feel good, awesome in fact.
I moved my body in ways that I never thought I could, so when I finally found a partner willing, I danced. We danced, until lights out. Last call, where were we, in the sand, groping each other, hands roaming and tounges still dancing.

Then I felt a quick jerk and I was up on my feet, sand on my ass, hair messed to the hilt, it was the party pooper, my best friend. Time to go home.

Apparently I made an ass of myself, in her eyes, to me though....I was da bomb!

Month of Memories April 4th

an April/2000 Journal entry

It's been 8 months. Angela bought me this journal. She knows I keep one. I never thought that my journal was so important to me until now. I can write what I feel and no one tells me I am wrong for feeling that way. So how do I feel right now? Aside from having Angela in my life, lonely. Sometimes I get so down, I don't want to get out of bed. I miss him. I miss him dearly. He was the love of my life and then he ripped the life out of me. It's amazing you know, how one person can effect you so much. I suppose I always knew he would leave, breaking my heart in the process. I was just so content loving him, I brushed everything aside, I brushed me aside. I hope that none of my childrensuffer like I have suffered.
Sometimes I dream about him only to wake up to find no one holding me. I don't think I'll ever get used to being alone. I know one day I will get over him, but I'll never forget him, or stop loving him. I just wish I knew how to move on with my life.
I wonder if people really knew what love could to you, would they choose to fall in love, knowing the ending?

What would I do with one wish? To be happy. With that one wish all my others woudl come true.
I don't think I will ever teach my children to wish upon stars and wish for things unreachable. Such as wishing someone would love them.
My problem, I feel too much. One day I know things will turn out okay for me, I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later.
Just sometimes the lonliness sets in and I just don't know what to do with myself. I may dance & sing & even smile but hell if I don't go home and rest my head in my hands and cry. Hell if I don't sit in the bottom of the shower until the water runs cold, and cry. Hell if I don't still look at all those stars I wished on, and cry.
I just don't want to cry anymore.
Another April Entry.
Do dreams really come true? Yes. I would like to believe they do. The dreams that come true may not always be the ones you wished for. Then when your heart is fulfilled you wonder, "How could I of wished for anything different?"

June 11th, 2000 I went on my first date with Michael, now my husband. Life is sweet, isn't it?

Friday, April 03, 2009

A month of Memories, April 3rd.

Spring was always my grandmother's favorite time of year. My mother and I would always go to her house in the spring and help her garden. I hated every second of it. Little did I know the impact my grandmother would have on my life. I was just young, impatient and always had something better to do. It wasn't until many years later I realized there were lessons to learn from my grandmother. She was born in 1900. She lived through times that most of us have only read about in history books.

After my Emma Josephine was born, the following spring, I was in the area that my grandmother lived. The church she was buried at was just right down the way. My husband and I picked up some flowers for Mama Helen, her favorite, tulips, to lay at her grave. It was cold for April. It reminded me of her burial in Decemeber, how cold it was, how hard the ground was. It brought tears to my eyes.

My husband stepped back and watched my son as he ran through out the cemetary, while I made my way to Mama Helen with Emma in my arms. Tears began to fill my eyes before I even saw her name. I stood there not knowing what to say, although Mama Helen surely knew my thoughts. I'm one of those "pray outloud" kind of people. So I began,

"Hi Mama Helen. This is my daughter.....
I named her after you."

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Month of Memories. April 2nd

So I got the call!
I was no longer the only mom in the group. Katie, friends since we were 13, was in labor.
Michael and I rushed to the hospital so we would make it in time. Talk about a big hospital!! We got lost. I thought to myself that knowing Katie, that baby would be out in no time.
I made my way to her room and to my surprise, mom & dad were there...and some other friends as well.
I think it only took an hour before the doctor told her it was time to push. Wow..took me 29 and I still didn't deliver naturally. I went to leave the room to give them privacy, but to my surprise she asked me to stay.
I sat awkwardly in the corner of the room and watched as Katie gave birth to a beautiful 9 pound little girl named Gwenevere.
The entire scene was a bit surreal. Katie's dad paced behind the curtain only listening to the birth. I and another friend sat in the corner watching the shabang! and Momma Cowley stood by her daughter....shoving her cell phone in her face so that she could talk to her sister directly afterward.


At that point I decided that there were to be no phones in my delivery room.
Happy Birthday Gwennybear!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

A month of memories ; April 1st. Fools Day.

So how appropriate would it be to share my worst April Fools prank.

It was exactly 4 months after we moved into the new house. Tyler was soundly sleeping and the phone rings. I thought "dang, it's not even 7 in the morning" I answer.
On the other end I hear someone crying my name. "Hello???"

"Elnora, I've been hit, he came out of now where and it hurts"

"MICHAEL!!! Oh my God! Where are you?"

all I heard was crying... "MICHAEL?"....

"Elnora it was a big tracker trailer, he hit me....oh god!"

"Where are you Michael, where are you?" I became a bit hysterical and started to cry. Tyler was sleeping, what would I do?

"I am on the road by the house!"

I whisked Tyler up out of his bed, wrapped him in a warm blanket. Never mind that I was in my underwear, I started to run with the portable phone on my ear out of the house, crying and frantically looking for my husband. "Where are you Michael, I don't see you" I was crying and running so fast that I fell.

Then I heard it.
I couldn't believe it.

Followed by an "APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!"
Well I am trying to keep this site a little clean, so let's just say I screamed things I never thought my mouth could scream. Hung up the phone and went into my house sat on my couch and cried.
I thought my husband was dying.
When he came home, he's lucky he didn't!