Month of Memories April 4th

an April/2000 Journal entry

It's been 8 months. Angela bought me this journal. She knows I keep one. I never thought that my journal was so important to me until now. I can write what I feel and no one tells me I am wrong for feeling that way. So how do I feel right now? Aside from having Angela in my life, lonely. Sometimes I get so down, I don't want to get out of bed. I miss him. I miss him dearly. He was the love of my life and then he ripped the life out of me. It's amazing you know, how one person can effect you so much. I suppose I always knew he would leave, breaking my heart in the process. I was just so content loving him, I brushed everything aside, I brushed me aside. I hope that none of my childrensuffer like I have suffered.
Sometimes I dream about him only to wake up to find no one holding me. I don't think I'll ever get used to being alone. I know one day I will get over him, but I'll never forget him, or stop loving him. I just wish I knew how to move on with my life.
I wonder if people really knew what love could to you, would they choose to fall in love, knowing the ending?

What would I do with one wish? To be happy. With that one wish all my others woudl come true.
I don't think I will ever teach my children to wish upon stars and wish for things unreachable. Such as wishing someone would love them.
My problem, I feel too much. One day I know things will turn out okay for me, I just hope that day comes sooner rather than later.
Just sometimes the lonliness sets in and I just don't know what to do with myself. I may dance & sing & even smile but hell if I don't go home and rest my head in my hands and cry. Hell if I don't sit in the bottom of the shower until the water runs cold, and cry. Hell if I don't still look at all those stars I wished on, and cry.
I just don't want to cry anymore.
-El
Another April Entry.
Do dreams really come true? Yes. I would like to believe they do. The dreams that come true may not always be the ones you wished for. Then when your heart is fulfilled you wonder, "How could I of wished for anything different?"

June 11th, 2000 I went on my first date with Michael, now my husband. Life is sweet, isn't it?