Thursday, November 30, 2006

Mental Note to Self

Next time, make sure the mini pup is not hidden under the covers, BEFORE having sex with hubby.
It really makes for an uncomfortable situation.

Since it has been a popular discussion....

This is what a Penis Flower looks like....and no I am not kidding. Some Actually call it a dick weed. It's real name is Amorphophallus titanum.

Bit of the article:
"There comes a time in a flowering plant’s life when it must learn about the birds and the bees, involve them in its sex life and produce a beautiful blossom. One plant sprouts a 60-plus-inch phallus, heats up, stinks like a corpse, does its best to attract carrion beetles and flesh flies and, after three pungent days of sexual activity, goes limp."

Apparently it takes 8 years to raise one of these bad boys! Go here to read the full article. I hope this clears the air ya'll...but not if a penis flower is near!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

101 Uses for a pair of Bollocks!!!

I just love the Cartoonist they call the Stik
Click the pick to find just a few of the 101 uses for a pair of bollocks...and the reason I love Stik so much!
I don't know how he did it...but he got a video of my womb too!
And if you want more stik videos...go here

Ever Google yourself???

I did today... under my married name the first listing I got was this:
"Zero Cash, Little Talent and 30days"
2nd listing " 'Bird Woman'"

I wouldn't say that was completely accurate.... But atleast I did get my website. So lets try my maiden name:
And you get a response to an article I wrote in college about chain reaction racism.

google yourself and tell me what you get....

I wonder what those smell like?

And what kind of vase would I put them in?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The new James Bond

The man looks like a God naked! He was great in the movie. I couldn't stand Peirce B. ...but Craig...oh yeah baby. I will see every James Bond movie from now on as long as he is the Bond man! Or should I say the Bod man!

Anyone else see it? Love the scratching of the balls part!

Monday, November 27, 2006

I know he heard the WOOOSH!

Shopping, Saturday, had to pee like a mo fo! So we went into Best Buy so Hubby could stare at all the 56 inch televisions we were not going to buy, and I could use the toilet. I walk into the bathroom and there is some best buy employee teen talking on her cell phone. I wasn't sure if she was trying to hide, but I had to pee. On my way back to the stall I hear her talking "Yes, I will be by this afternoon Mr. so and so to fill out the paperwork" immediately this did not sound like an unimportant phone call. So there I was, peeing, very loudly in an echoing bathroom, she is still talking with no signs of letting up. I wasn't going to stop my routine b/c her dumbass couldn't find a better place to talk than in a public bathroom. I know he hear the WOOOOOOSH! It was not quite at all, and just to rub it in a bit I took my time washing my hands. It was the least I could do, since someone had the pleasure of listening to me pee!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

What have I got to be Thankful for....

Alot of people may ask that question this time of year. While I might not have everything that my little heart desires... I am thankful for the simple things in my life:
I am thankful for:
*The wonderful Husband I have that kisses me every morning when I open my eyes and every night when I close them
*The beautiful little boy that calls me mommy and lets me know that I am perfect in his eyes.
* The nice home that I have, and that I can actually call home.
*The great parents that are there for me every step of the way
*My dear friends, near or far, are real friends, sisters and brothers.
*My 3 brothers, that never cease to amaze or shock me, and my sister that has blessed my life as a confidant and with an absolutely amazing neice and awesome brother in law!
*I am thankful that I have cloths on my back and food in my tummy.

I hope everyone this year takes a look around and realizes the simple things in life are the ones we should thank God for. I never thought that I would be 29 and finally settled down, with a home and a family and for once, stability. I know who I am, I finally love who I am, I am thankful for everything.

Saying good-bye...I thought it would be harder

A little tid bit bout me. B4 hubby, I was in a relationship for almost 8 years. And one day, out of the blue, he ended it. I was devestated. I never thought I would get over it. And then, I met Michael, and he opened my eyes. He showed me what it was like to really be loved. I talked to the ex a couple of times through the years. One thing he asked me, "do you still have the ring" when I answered yes, he asked me never to get rid of it. I was curious why he cared. He said, "I gave it to you because I loved you and I want you to remember that, promise me you will never get rid of it" and I promised. It was a pretty 1/2 carat solitaire. The one I had been eyeing for over a year. The one I thought I would never get. The one I had to painfully remove from my wedding finger and shove way back in the back of my drawer so I would try to forget. Well I sold it yesterday. I sold it for far less than it was worth. I thought I would be heart broken. It has been 7 years since I last wore it. When I showed it to my mother 2 weeks ago, she said it was pretty and a shame I couldn't put the diamond into something else. I lifted my hand and under the light 2 carats of bling flashed in her eyes, and she said "well that is way prettier and you got the great hubby to go with it!". I am kind of relieved to finally be able to say good bye. I have my memories, I don't need a ring shoved far in the back of my drawer to remind me, and after all, you can't put a high price tag on those.
I hope that someone puts the diamond in a nice setting and is able to wear it forever.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

My dear old friend, was it me?

I have been thinking about some of my dearest friends in life. I never see any of them anymore. Some have faded away and we don't even talk. Hubby's friends are the same way. For Hubby, taking a wife was like catching a disease, becoming a father meant the disease became contageous. When I think back to who I loved the most in my life, Jessica, comes to mind. She was one of the most beautiful people I had known growing up. We were inseperable. Our social circles were different. She was the open minded one out of the two of us. She got married a week after graduating high school. I didnt mind her hubby, but he was creepy. He would give a hug that made you feel dirty. It was no surprise her sister and I went to her the night before and asked her if she was sure. Time passed and she moved w/ her hubby in the military. Here and there I would get the tidbits from her life. The descisions she made were unlike her. Not beautiful and not the ones a married woman should make. Then my bachelor night she got shit faced drunk and begged me not to marry Michael b/c marriage was bad. I blew it off until the night b4 my wedding, again she got shit faced drunk and kept me up till 4am. I was devastated. She came to me that morning to apologize. I said to her "I am getting married today, and as much as I would like to get into this right now, this is my day and I will not ruin it, but when I come home from my honeymoon, we will talk b/c you need someone to talk to" I never made that phone call. Here and there I may talk to her. I have seen her a few times, once was the first time she had seen my newborn and she blew me off. She had just lost a ton of wight and looked gorgeous, more so than me and I felt that was rubbed in. Her language became a potty mouth and I looked at her 'differently'.
She almost died this summer. And still I haven't been able to bring myself to reach out to her. How do two people so close, grow so very far apart? Maybe it wasn't she that changed, maybe it was me. Maybe that is what I dislike so much. I have grown up. So if I call her now, what do I say?

Monday, November 20, 2006

Racial slurs & dirty F bombs in comedy...

Over the weekend, Micheal Richards,(Kramer from Seinfeld) performed at LA's Laugh Factory. I absolutely love that club. We had a blast there 2 years ago. Anyhoo...when you go to a comedy show, normally the audience is allowed to heckle and join in on the fun. Well, when an audience member did so, Mr. Richards spewed out a slew of hate words and insinuations towards the the audience member. Including using the "N" words more than 20 times in his less than 3 minute tyraid. Audience members were disgusted and left the show. Mr. Richards also left the stage. Now I know I love going to comedy shows. But when was it "okay" to become racially belligerent and obscene in the name of comedy. I have been to shows were the language just takes away from the act and it is no longer funny. It is awful when comedians make slurs about their own race, and awful when they make fun of others. Even sexual orientation or about women and sex. I paid for my parents to go to a comedy club last year for Christmas, and my mother said it was sweet of us, but that the language by the comedian was grotesque. Should we start giving the shows ratings, instead of PG we have "NR" for no racial slurs or "NB" not a bigot and I don't even want to touch the rating if they do...has it really come to that?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Double Jeapardy is a beautiful thing...isnt it?

Wow...OJ Simpson... I always knew that he got away with murder. Then with the law suit, never paying a dime, got away with murder twice. Now OJ pulls a "nanny nanny boo boo" you can't catch me move! Writing a book "If I Did It" a 'hypothetical' account of how he would of committed the murders of Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson. It's the closest to a confession of murder I think we will ever get out of him and on top of it, he is getting paid millions. Murder for Profit. This is complete devastation to the families of the victims. But I worry what kind of message this is sending. Fox is actually going to air a special from OJ that is more of a promotion for the new book coming out. I am sure billions will tune in. I haven't decided if I will or not. I can't ever see myself purchasing the book b/c that is like paying him for the crime. But I wonder if I would succumb to the morbid curiosity of the TV Special. Something tells me I won't. I just can't believe that he can get away with something like this.

What is going on today?

Links of information regarding this topic:

CNN OJ Book : Reuters OJ Book : My Way OJ Book

Thursday, November 16, 2006

UCLA Student Tasered by Police in Library

This is one of the most disturbing things I have seen in a long time. I am not sure what exactly took place to make this happen in the first place, but the escalation of the entire incident. This student's mother must be beside herself. I would like to hear your thoughts...

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I finally did it...

I have become quite the ebay junkie has my hubby. But it seems that I have been able to find everything I have been wanting at cheaper prices. So I thought that there has to be something to this ebaying, if people like me are out there buying other people's used shit, then maybe I should sell mine. Last month I won a Tiki Barber Autographed Jersey from a charity auction. But when it came in the mail it had no certificate of authenticity with it. Hubby thought I got ripped off. So I decided to try and get my money back by putting it on ebay. I SOLD IT! I also made a $75 profit. I feel great...momma needs a new pair of really I do b/c my stupid dog ate mine last night!
So is that wrong of me to do that??? I explained where I bought it from, what my reserve was and did not offer a certificate. I kinda feel bad, but then again I don't. I know the thing is real. Hubby is just a stickler for those types of things. I ended up putting an old engagement ring on ebay too. I have 8 watchers but no takers yet. It is a great price for the ring. 1/2 carat for $350..put it in a new setting and you have a new ring. A really pretty one too. I am not going to wear it.

I wonder what else I could put on ebay. I think we should all come up with some ridiculous item to "our dirty little secret" and see how much we could fetch for it. Maybe someone will buy my doggy bitten shoes???? What do you think we should sell?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Need a hug today....?

I can hardly wait for this invention to become available. I would love to send it as a gift to my Canadian and German friends, and my favorite cousing out in Cali. It is the new Hug Shirt. It has sensors and is activated by a phone call.
It warms up and sends all the signals of a long distance hug from a friend. This thing is a must have for me!

Go to The Hug Shirt to learn more about it!

Friday, November 10, 2006

I just have to say it...

I am so happy for Britney Spears. I hope this emotional time treats her well!

Oh the creamy goodness!

I fooled you with the title didn't I?

I don't know what it is about Starbux coffee. I have a cappacino/expresso maker at home. I am quite good at making a latte, cap or mocha. Oh the frothy goodness! Warms my tummy to the core. So if I am so good at it, why do I pay $4 every other day for this yummy treat. As I was sitting in the line of 15 cars ahead of me, I thought, "It has to be to save time"! I am only fooling myself here. Waiting in a Sbux line takes forever and I am almost never on time for work when I do. The only reason my son sits through it is the anticipation of a promised doughnut. His mouth waters just as much at mine when you approach and start to hear the roaring sounds of the frother and you get a wif of the fresh coffee aroma from perking fresh coffee beans picked by hand from the Himalayas. I calculate that I buy Sbux 3 to 4 times a week. That runs me $468 to $624 a year. When you think about that in coffee beans, that's alot of coffee beans. So why do I do it? The answer is simple....I can't make croissants...ya gotta have a coissant to go with your $4 cup of coffee...right?

Or is it pure laziness? I will never cop to that!

Friday, November 03, 2006


Casual Slack Has tagged me over at her place
Name 13 Random facts about myself...Here goes.

I love burnt pepperoni

I love taking all the marshmallows out of my lucky charms, putting them in a pile and eating them.

I used to be a size 9 (no really, I have the dress in my closet to prove it to my children one day)

I dream about either my poetry or my childrens book being published one day

I can't shower in a dirty bathroom

Speaking of bathrooms, I will not go #2 in a public one

I secretly wish that for one day I could be completly selfish with no ramifications

I dabbled in a few hallucinagens when I was younger

I used to think that I knew how love felt, until I met my hubby...that was the first time anyone had ever loved me...for me

Sometimes I dwell in the past too much

I hate my feet, even pedicured, I can't stand them

I can sing, like really well, sometimes I think I could make it in the finals on American Idol.

I graduated with a bachlors in English and can't spell worth a shit!

Ba Humbug already roundin' the corner!

Well the season is fast approaching. You would think that this time of year is a happy one for me. After all I have a beautiful family to spend the holidays with and some would be all alone. Well the holiday grinch has already showed his face for me yet again this year. Being 29 I thought that I would have control over my holiday where abouts by now. I thought that when I got married and then again when I had a child that the holidays would be "mine". I come from a very 'torn' background. Every year I had to decide which parent I was going to spite and which holiday. If I spent Thanksgiving with my mother, then Christmas would be with my father, BUT, not the entire Christmas. I would spend the eve with dad, then be rushed off in the morning to mom's or vice versa. So now, mom is re-married, dad re-married then divorced and is living with another woman, then we have hubby's family that is divorced as well. I am still close with my step-mother, mother of my brothers, so I have that house as well and it figures that everyone would live more than an hour apart. So this year I decided to host Thanksgiving and everyone could come to my house. One Big Happy Family.....peace for once. Well brother is flying to cali, Mother to NC, Sister will stop by for an hour, mother in law has already critisized the menu, father will not is not coming with new woman and sister in law is coming AFTER dinner. My first Thanksgiving....nice.
SO I decided that this year for Christmas I would go to my mother's on the Eve and come home with hubby and child that night to wake up Christmas morning, just the three of us, no pressure, on the 1st Christmas morning in our new home. Sweet, Personal, Simple,.....peace. ...finally....

Well now my mother is crushed that she is not coming over Christmas Eve to spend the night and see her grandson open gifts in the morning..........b..a...h..u..m..b..u..g! What do I do?

Friday Humor

Two brothers conversating in their room:
You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Military Response to John Kerry

Target shmarget fuggetaboutit!

I went to Target during my lunch hour. I know they have this new return policy...I returned a gift Ty got for his birthday a few weeks ago for a different toy that was "older". This time hubby bought some pj's for Ty and bought a 3T...(husbands)Ty wears a 2T. So I thought, simple exchange, shouldn't be a problem. I thought wrong. I came back with the new PJ's and about $120 worth of other stuff in my basket. The girl asked for the reciept, I told her I didn't have one, She said she could go off the credit card, hubby and I don't have the same credit card number, her reply "You DON'T have the same credit card" I answered her no. So she wanted my lisence. The she says "you have returned something here w/o a reciept b4 so I cannot take this back" My jaw dropped to the floor. I said "first of all, I am not returning, I am exchanging for the same item, just a different size". She continued to argue with me. I told her to call hubby and ask for his credit #, she wouldn't so I told her to get a manager. The manager was okay with accomodating me, but the cashier girl sat there and argued with her manager in front of me! I could of just left all the shit in my cart there for return girl to go put away.
I really thought that this policy was I the only one? I think Target just lost my business.

Guest Speaker...

So I'm over here on November 1, trying to defend myself from unprovoked
attacks in this
when Ellie asks if I would like to be a guest poster. Since she
and her husband are spending most of their time lately getting
it on
, I thought that was the least I could do to help out. Ellie, if
you conceive on the day when you post this instead of writing yourself, you
owe me (just kidding).

Kids. I don't have any myself. I've never been married, and I've never been
in a relationship close to serious enough to even discuss marriage, let
alone kids. But, I like kids. My brother has a five-year-old little boy, and
his aging uncle is usually exhausted, bumped and bruised after playing
together. I spend entirely too much money on him (according to my mother) on
stuff that my sister-in-law despises. But, hey, it's better than spending my
money at the bar - and I'm not the one who has to listen to the noise and
have the things scratching up my furniture and my shins. My nephew
loves the toys that his uncle buys him, and that's what matters. It's
all good.

I was glad my nephew came along. I am 39 years old and 16 months older than
my brother. Until my nephew's arrival, I was the one always catching grief
from my mother and other relatives about producing a grandchild. Never mind
that I wasn't married - or that my brother was. I was the oldest, so I guess
they assumed it was my responsibility. I suppose I could have shown up at a
family reunion and said, "Hey, there's a new kid on the way," then watched
all of their faces when their minds started racing and wondering if I had
gotten married without them knowing it. I could have made it even better by
telling them the mother was a stripper. My mother probably wouldn't have
been too happy with that, especially if some aging uncle or aunt had fainted
or had something more serious happen. I did take a Hooters waitress as my
date to a work-related banquet once - but that's for another time.

Next up is dealing with babysitting. I wouldn't mind, but I established a
few criteria when my nephew was born, and I am sticking to them. They
include the following:

1. He must be able to go to the bathroom by himself. He is getting
close to this point, but not quite (getting pants back up and buttoned
properly apparently is a challenge from time to time). (edit from ellie-if you don't have carpeting and you do have a mop...let him run around naked!)

2. He must be able to feed himself. He can handle this, for the most
part, so we would be cool going to McDonald's - or Hooters (I'm sure my
sister-in-law would love that too). (edit from ellie- Hey I'd take my kid to Hooter's...sounds like a weekend plan!)

3. He must be able to bathe himself. I don't bathe kids - especially
those that aren't mine. Something just doesn't seem right about that. (Edit from ellie-let the dog lick him clean...okay okay that might not be a good idea)

So, my mother is happy (at least not complaining as much), and life goes on.
Maybe one day, I'll have kids of my own. Until then, I'll just spoil my

Thanks for the time and the space, Ellie

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

John Kerry is just pissed my vote counted!

I always am the last one to hear about these things, but there I was, sitting on my couch playing online scrabble (rather losing) when the news caster is mumbling this or that about John Kerry. I look up when I see the clip of his speech the other day and hear the following :

"Education…if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework, and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.”

What happened to you asshole? Why did YOU end up in a war? Were you too stupid to do anything else with your life? It's not like you will run for president one day...oops you did run...YOU JUST LOST!!! I guess you are just bitter, a sore loser, what ever you want to call it. While G. W might not be the greatest president in history..he would never call his military ignorant! Senetor John Kerry, you have greatly offended me. My brother went to war for your freedom, he spent his 22st birthday preparing to fight a war in Iraq. He faced possible chemical war-fare, the death of his comrads, the possible loss of his own life. He missed my wedding and the birth of his 1st nephew then his christening. He missed Thanksgiving, instead he had sand in his mouth from non-stop windstorms. His face, lips and hands cracked and bled and his body shivered in the cold darkness of the dessert while you slept safe and sound in your bed with your entire family on Christmas Eve. I am deeply saddened by your remarks and pray that the Democratic party no longer stands behind your blind ambitions. I never thought this before, but you Mr. Kerry SUCK!