Tuesday, November 21, 2006

My dear old friend, was it me?

I have been thinking about some of my dearest friends in life. I never see any of them anymore. Some have faded away and we don't even talk. Hubby's friends are the same way. For Hubby, taking a wife was like catching a disease, becoming a father meant the disease became contageous. When I think back to who I loved the most in my life, Jessica, comes to mind. She was one of the most beautiful people I had known growing up. We were inseperable. Our social circles were different. She was the open minded one out of the two of us. She got married a week after graduating high school. I didnt mind her hubby, but he was creepy. He would give a hug that made you feel dirty. It was no surprise her sister and I went to her the night before and asked her if she was sure. Time passed and she moved w/ her hubby in the military. Here and there I would get the tidbits from her life. The descisions she made were unlike her. Not beautiful and not the ones a married woman should make. Then my bachelor night she got shit faced drunk and begged me not to marry Michael b/c marriage was bad. I blew it off until the night b4 my wedding, again she got shit faced drunk and kept me up till 4am. I was devastated. She came to me that morning to apologize. I said to her "I am getting married today, and as much as I would like to get into this right now, this is my day and I will not ruin it, but when I come home from my honeymoon, we will talk b/c you need someone to talk to" I never made that phone call. Here and there I may talk to her. I have seen her a few times, once was the first time she had seen my newborn and she blew me off. She had just lost a ton of wight and looked gorgeous, more so than me and I felt that was rubbed in. Her language became a potty mouth and I looked at her 'differently'.
She almost died this summer. And still I haven't been able to bring myself to reach out to her. How do two people so close, grow so very far apart? Maybe it wasn't she that changed, maybe it was me. Maybe that is what I dislike so much. I have grown up. So if I call her now, what do I say?


RWA said...

Just tell her that you have been thinking about her and you wanted to call to talk. That's the truth, isn't it?

Nicole said...

Maybe you have grown up.

Things are all different when we become parents. I went thru the same thing as you with my cousin and i could not have her in my life and have that scene around my children

Go with your good heart Ellie!

Ellie said...

Thing is this Nic, Jesse has a sister, Katie, that I am still very close with. We used to say we were sisters. We acted like we were sisters. I have a problem with letting that idea go. I have never turned my back on my real sister...
It used to be that when she would come into town, we would pick up where we left off. It's not like that anymore and I miss that. I can call her and say "hey been thinking about you", but it wouldn't be everything I wanted to say. I think that I want to try to re-connect, but I don't think I can do that without being honest about why we became so distant in the first place. But something about doing that seems wrong to me. I am conflicted.

Nicole said...

Maybe write it all in a letter and tell her you are doing this because you love and miss her