Guest Speaker...

So I'm over here on November 1, trying to defend myself from unprovoked
attacks in this
thread when Ellie asks if I would like to be a guest poster. Since she
and her husband are spending most of their time lately getting
it on, I thought that was the least I could do to help out. Ellie, if
you conceive on the day when you post this instead of writing yourself, you
owe me (just kidding).

Kids. I don't have any myself. I've never been married, and I've never been
in a relationship close to serious enough to even discuss marriage, let
alone kids. But, I like kids. My brother has a five-year-old little boy, and
his aging uncle is usually exhausted, bumped and bruised after playing
together. I spend entirely too much money on him (according to my mother) on
stuff that my sister-in-law despises. But, hey, it's better than spending my
money at the bar - and I'm not the one who has to listen to the noise and
have the things scratching up my furniture and my shins. My nephew
loves the toys that his uncle buys him, and that's what matters. It's
all good.

I was glad my nephew came along. I am 39 years old and 16 months older than
my brother. Until my nephew's arrival, I was the one always catching grief
from my mother and other relatives about producing a grandchild. Never mind
that I wasn't married - or that my brother was. I was the oldest, so I guess
they assumed it was my responsibility. I suppose I could have shown up at a
family reunion and said, "Hey, there's a new kid on the way," then watched
all of their faces when their minds started racing and wondering if I had
gotten married without them knowing it. I could have made it even better by
telling them the mother was a stripper. My mother probably wouldn't have
been too happy with that, especially if some aging uncle or aunt had fainted
or had something more serious happen. I did take a Hooters waitress as my
date to a work-related banquet once - but that's for another time.

Next up is dealing with babysitting. I wouldn't mind, but I established a
few criteria when my nephew was born, and I am sticking to them. They
include the following:

1. He must be able to go to the bathroom by himself. He is getting
close to this point, but not quite (getting pants back up and buttoned
properly apparently is a challenge from time to time). (edit from ellie-if you don't have carpeting and you do have a mop...let him run around naked!)

2. He must be able to feed himself. He can handle this, for the most
part, so we would be cool going to McDonald's - or Hooters (I'm sure my
sister-in-law would love that too). (edit from ellie- Hey I'd take my kid to Hooter's...sounds like a weekend plan!)

3. He must be able to bathe himself. I don't bathe kids - especially
those that aren't mine. Something just doesn't seem right about that. (Edit from ellie-let the dog lick him clean...okay okay that might not be a good idea)

So, my mother is happy (at least not complaining as much), and life goes on.
Maybe one day, I'll have kids of my own. Until then, I'll just spoil my
nephew.

Thanks for the time and the space, Ellie