Friday humor (funny but true)

You know these never end good (Conversation with hubby part 6) I think

So I decided to go home for lunch today b/c hubby got home early. I was thinking, peace and quiet with no babies to care for, for an hour would be nice. Hubby was thinking of the song afternoon delight. So I used it to my advantage and had hubby make me my sandwich, followed by a request for ice cream...here is the conversation BEWARE it's a bit TMI..
you have been warned
Me : "Hunny, make me a small bowl of ice cream with lots of chocolate on top, please"
Hubby: "I'm not getting up to get you ice cream"
"Please" and I smile
"Okay if you sit on my ****"
'Sure, after you get my ice cream and I eat it"
"I want you to do with while eating your ice cream" and he giggles
"No I am going to eat my ice cream first then I will sit on you ****"
"No your not, I know you, you will trick me"
"No I won't, I promise"
"No pants on either, you have to sit on my **** with no pants!"
"I promise, just the way you want it"
He gets up to get my ice cream and just then the phone rings and I answer
'Elnora?" it's my mother in law
"Yeah what's up?"
"Ummm, you might want to tell Michael to turn off his cell phone, he just called the office and I could hear the two of you talking!" and she was holding back a big ole laugh
Michael had his phone in his pocket and he accidently somehow hit the call button, which it just so happened the last place he called was my office, and I just so happen to work with my mother in law....oh dear!

Don't Believe it! (Two posts in one)

I get emails from all over the place since Emma was born. Especially from toy stores. I don't mind b/c often I find a good deal or a really awesome toy. Today I got one from baby center for sale on toys for 3- 6 month olds. In my search I found this:

Organic Broccoli...
First of all, this doesn't look like Broccoli at first glance....second of all, who thought of that? Thirdly, Organic? what is so organic about it? forth..."What did you get your baby for Christmas?" "Oh I bought her Broccoli!!!
Come on now people... have we run out of ideas for toys that you are now selling stuffed animal carrots, eggplants, grapes, onions...and broccoli's that look like penises????
Now the really insane news!
I have avoided posting about Britney Spears, but this time I can't help it. Girl is F'ing nutz! Here is the headline:

click the pic for the link to the story.
Please say it ain't so.
Apparently, the father to be, music producer, JR Rotem has confirmed the pregnancy and says he's the baby daddy. Does this woman need to be having more children. Didn't she just fail a drug test last week????
God I hope that this headline is crap!

Turducken

Yes that is what I had for Thanksgiving, a Turducken.
What is a Turducken? One might ask....
A Turducken is a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken. The name is a portmanteau of those ingredients: turkey, duck, and chicken. The cavity of the chicken and the rest of the gaps are filled with, at the very least, a highly seasoned breadcrumb mixture or sausage meat, although some versions have a different stuffing for each bird. Some recipes call for the turkey to be stuffed with a chicken which is then stuffed with a duckling

Well was it good?
NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! I WAS GIPPED OUT OF A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!!!!
Why? Because my brother wanted to try something new. My parents always give into him. He is the 'favorite' (I am being silly)
It tasted okay, but nothing could replace a good old fashioned home cooked turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. Sigh...woe is me.

The power of a handshake

Yesterday, hubby, the kids and I, were signed up as church greeters (yes I go to church bitches) :)
As I shook the hands of people going into the service I couldn't help but critique thier handshakes. I mean, I have a firm handshake. I think it gives me presence and let's you know that I am interested. Then there are those that extend their hand and it's like shaking hands with a cold dead fish. No grip, no firmness, no eye contact....nada....and you think...why even shake my hand.

I think that a good handshake is really important. Don't you?

A song of black friday

Today was Friday, and it was Black

As I drove down the pitch black street at 5 something a.m.... I slowly approached the lights that seemed so small in the distance. Every second they grew brighter and brighter...as I neared the mall my eyes widened and my jaw dropped....park? ...park where? It seemed like everyone and their mama was out shopping today. So I decide to skip the hustle and bustle of Sears and head over to Target, where the real sales were. I get to Target and there is a line that stretches down the street and around the building. Michael got called into work...so I had the children with me. And that was just the beginning of the nastiness.

Sing to the tune of Sleigh Ride (you can make it work)

Just hear those salvation army bells

Jing Jing Jinglin Too...

Come on it's lovely weather

for black friday shopping for you

Outside cars horns are beeping

and people screaming 'F* You"

you can call me crazy I love black Friday

shopping for you

Giddy up Giddy up giddy up let's go

don't say you don't know

grab your overpriced starbux and goo

giddy up giddy up igddy up it's grand

no It's really a grand

We're gliding along with the bitch of a black friday wonderland

Our cheeks are nice and rosy uncomfty and cozy are we

we're snuggled up together in crowd of shoppers you and me

let's take the path before us and scream a chorus or two

Come on let's ditch this shit I hate black friday shopping for you

Just to let you know, I was the better woman, and avoided any fights this season!

Ever watch an old kung foo movie???

Okay ecraig..how do you fix this one?



I thought I wasn't going to post till after the holiday...aaah..whateva!

Do you trust everything you eat? When eating out?

Awhile back, my brother Phil came to me and the following conversation took place...



"Hey did you hear the health dept shut down The Wall?"

"Naw, that's like my favorite Chinese place."

"I know, you like, eat there all the time don't you?"

"Yeah...do you know why they got shut down?"

Phil gets a smirk on his face and replies in a high pitch"Can you say 'woof woof'?"



I almost died...but barfing seemed like a quick solution.

Turns out the health dept sprung a unannounced check up on the joint and what did they find hanging in the freezer? Yup..little pup pups. The owner insisted it was for his own personal use, but the health dept. wasn't buying it.



Makes you wonder, can you really trust the people preparing your food when you eat out? After all you don't personally know them they were your mom or something. When working at Wendy's when I was a teenager, I had a friend who thought it was funny to lick the hamberger buns before putting the burgers on. Then we would both have a good laugh watching people eat them. If you saw the guy licking the burger buns...oh even the thought of it...I throw up in my mouth a little....

Thanksgiving Humor

Since this will be the last post until after the holiday...have a great Thanksgiving everyone.
Things I am thankful for
My beautiful children
My wonderful husband
My home
My family (even my crazy dogs)
My job in this unstable mortgage market
ALL OF MY BLOGGIE PALS!!!

Things to ponder

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do we label underwear as a pair?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
If you don't repair your brakes right away should you make your horn louder?
Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just seem longer?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

The best musical of all time

It was my favorite film of all time. Yes folks, I was a Rocky Horror Picture junkie. I wish that I could say I had been to a Rocky Horror Picture Show, but never got the chance. They still run some of them, I hope to go one day. Do you know how many famous people were in that show?

Tim Curry, Susan Serandon, Barry Bostwick.....

It was so much fun to sing and dance to the Time Warp...

But nothing was better than Sweet Transvestite... Don't know what I mean....

Watch it, It kicks ass!

Can you believe that is Tim Curry?

I'm a Tauras...fits me to a tee!

The Taurean's characteristics are solidity, practicality, extreme determination and strength of will - no one will ever drive them, but they will willingly and loyally follow a leader they trust. They are stable, balanced, conservative good, law-abiding citizens and lovers of peace, possessing all the best qualities of the bourgeoisie. As they have a sense of material values and physical possessions, respect for property and a horror of falling into debt, they will do everything in their power to maintain the security of the status quo and be somewhat hostile to change.Mentally, they are keen-witted and practical more often than intellectual, but apt to become fixed in their opinions through their preference for following accepted and reliable patterns of experience. In the main, they are gentle, even tempered, good natured, modest and slow to anger, disliking quarreling and avoiding ill-feeling. If they are provoked, however, they can explode into violent outbursts of ferocious anger in which they seem to lose all self-control. Equally unexpected are their occasional sallies into humor and exhibitions of fun. I have to say that the characteristics above are mostly true, especially the one about the anger. I read my sign completely and it fits me to a tee...some sites though I really don't know where they come up with that shit. One site said a positive attribute was that I could stick large objects down my throat??? HUH? Not that I am denying that lovely fact, but come on now...does that really have anything to do with your sign, and is that really a personality trait...To read more about Me the Taurus click hereTo read about your sign, click below...I wanna know if they fit

Aries Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Aquarius Picses

See this is what happens (alabama no sex toy law)

Don't know what I am referring too? See previous post!!!

No dildos...gotta use banana's....
I hope the women in Alabama have fire insurance! LOL!

Vibrators Banned Alabama No Sex Toy Law

Mass Hysteria soon to follow!
In Alabama you can sell guns on a street corner, but you can't sell sex toys!!! If you violate the law, you can face up to a year in prison and a $10,000 fine, but if you sell a gun to a minor, that is a $500 fine.

This law was passed in 1998 originally, and was upheld yesterday in court.
Under this law, if you have more than one...you can be charged with intent to distribute. You can only have a personal massager if it doesn't look like a dildo.
You can cross state lines to buy them, but wouldn't you get charged with smuggling them in. So they don't ban the use of owning 'one', but you have to drive out of the state to get it. Alabama still sells shit like Viagra..and you can have a vibrator for medical reasons (like treating women for Hysteria back in the day)

"Alabama's Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act prohibits, among other things, the commercial distribution of 'any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs for any thing of pecuniary value.'"

They say that letting sex toy merchants in could open the door to legalization of undesirable sexual behavior such as prostitution. That seems like a far stretch. Buying sex toys for personal use is going to lead to prostitution??? Ridiculous. I think that is an infringement on my rights. The government is telling me I can't masterbate? nor can my husband and I have a little fun with batteries???

"Hysteria was thought to be a consequence of lack of sexual intercourse. For centuries hysteria was believed by many to lead to inflammation of the uterus, which necessitated the expulsion of fluids to prevent it from wandering away from its anatomical home and possibly suffocating the woman who housed it. Physicians ranging from Hippocrates to Freud believed they had to coax the wandering womb back to its proper place or size with "massage treatments." A description of such a treatment reads like a cross between a medical report and soft-core pornography. The Greek physician Galen (AD 129-c. 216) noted that:

"'Following the warmth of the remedies and arising from the touch of the genital organs required by the treatment, there followed twitchings...From that time on she was free of all the evil she felt.'"

So they created the vibrator.
I think Alabama..sooner or later, might have the streets overrun with Hysterical women (and men) screaming about the evils they are feeling with in "Oh Lord Save me!!! Cure the aching pains I feel and my wandering womb!!! "

Someone Save Me.........

That was the title of the email I got last night From my brother.

This was the email...(picture and all)

I really don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Its Veterans day...shouldn't I get the day off since I'm a veteran?

no?

ugh.

That made me sad. It's true. When we think of Veterans most times, we think Vietnam Vet...well what about today's Veterans? Do we think about them in our daily lives?

"Someone save me" was the title of his email. If my brother was out saving so many others for so long, you have to think.. who was there to save him and his fellow military? I wish I could say our President, but I really don't think so. I know the title of his email was in jest, save me from work...but I couldn't help but read a bit more into it.

If you put it into perspective, Military save...but really they are the end of the line. They know it, but do we as Americans know it? Do we really know the sacrifice they have made for our safety and the safety of the world itself? It's a shame that even knowing that simple fact, people are still less and less likely to sign up for a military job. Sooner or later, I think, the draft will come back. And all the military want...respect, security for them and their families, a place forever remembered, job security, health care, honour. What is so wrong with that? Especially since they are willing to give up their most precious commodity, their lives, for ours.

Whether or not you think the war is wrong or right, our military deserve remembrance. To me, they have earned their place in Heaven. More so than I ever will. I never had the balls to even consider a military job, and I begged my brothers not to join for my own selfish reasons.

This past week, Maryland's governor O'malley just passed the highest tax increase in the state's history. No one really knows where the money is going to go. I wonder if our military will receive any of it? Just a thought.

To all the Veterans out there...Thank you.

To my brother...Thank you....................................Thank You Jonathan.

Another racist bites the bust! (oops I mean dust)

Naw..in all seriousness....look at those things...like they are giant torpedos set, aimed and ready to fire! When you talk to the woman, how could you not look at her ta ta's? They are screaming at you "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!" Although I doubt they have to scream, they would probably smack you in the face if you weren't looking.

Oh goodness, so say you weren't looking where you are going and you accidently bumped into her pom poms (I bet it happens alot) you turn to say sorry and before you utter the words you can help but proclaim

"WHOA...Holy Shi**...GOOD GOOGLEY MOOGLEY!!!" Then you hold your head down in shame...and mutter "I mean, sorry for bumping you ma'am"

In case you don't know who the above are...That is Dog the bounty hunter and his bounty hunter wife. Dog just got exposed as a big ol' racist from his pissed off son. I mean it's a total shocker to me...they look so normal, so sweet, like upstanding citizens that make money off of tracking down criminals bashing their heads in before hoarding them off to jail. I bet after a long days work they go home all sweaty and bump uglies screaming to one another "Damn you hot peice of ass you turn me on beating the crap outta all those (insert racist term here)!!!!

More pics of the Dogs here

video post

was thinking about doing a YouTube video post. I would record myself and post it...anyone else up to the challenge?

Who's the cow now?

Okay, so this morning, I was humbled. I realized what a hoo haa I could be. I went to WaWa for gas and coffee this morning. I pulled up to the pump and would normally go in and prepay for the gas, buy my coffee and whatever else at the same time. This morning I decided to pay at the pump and then go in. So I am pumping gas and what happens?...someone pulls up behind me to use the pump when I am finished. I am thinking, "damnit, I should of prepaid inside..now I am going to have to move my car for this dumb bitch that parked behind me." I was sitting there stewing the entire time.
So I pumped, and moved my car, went inside to get my coffee and ordered some breakfast. When walking inside I see the woman get out of her car with her kid and start to walk inside to prepay for her gas and buy whatever else... I thought to myself , what a dumb broad.
I am pouring my coffee and up behind me I hear
"Exuse me"
I turn to see the woman, and I thought, shit she saw me roll my eyes at her "yes" I reply
"I was parked behind you at the pump..." (Oh shit here it comes)"and I noticed when you pulled away, you didn't put your gas cap back on"
shocked... I say "Oh, thank you so much, I never would have noticed"
and she said "yes, I was thinking, oh good she is pulling over and I can tell her about her cap, have a nice day!"
humbled I say "you have a nice day too...thank you so much!"

I can't believe I acted like that. Figures that would happen. Has something similar happened to you like that...you act like a bitch and the other person, totally oblivious, comes up and does something nice to you?

I feel like a total cow!

Bad Bad Ebayer calif143 (Read till the end y'all)

This is what I bought from ebay seller calif143

This is what was delivered to me

Do they look the same to you? Look close now.
First, it was supposed to be new. It didn't come in the original packaging which is okay, but then I realized, hey..this isn't the same item. This is the older version of the storytime theater. They don't sell the cartridges anymore. Then I tried it, it didn't focus, it was blurry and hard to read. I was very unhappy since it was supposed to be a gift for my son. I sent the seller an email..actually 3 in a row, letting her know the different things wrong with her listing. Telling her how disappointed I was and I wanted my money back. She refused by saying she sold the item according to it's description, which she got off of Toysrus.com...BUT she put down the item description for the wrong item, and pictured a different item then she sent. She also wrapped it up in her old towels. Why would I want my child playing with something that was wrapped in someones old scuzzy towels? Don't you wipe your ass with towels? She finally agreed to take it back if I overnighted it next day and she wouldn't refund my $15 shipping I paid her to get it. Unacceptable. So I would have to pay more than $20 to overnight it back to her???

We emailed back and forth back and forth and I finally retorted:

AGAIN you cow...the item pictured was not what you
sent. I sent you a pic of what you gave me. I sent
you 3 emails consecutively. Sooo sorry if they
weren't at the same time. I was upset. I got a
different item wrapped in your old scuzzy towels
that you have probably wiped your ass on...so don't
give me that crap.
I am not paying more $ to send it back to your
cheap ass. okay..I might as well have gone out and
bought a new one by the time I send it back to you.
The shipping would total more than what I paid for
it.
Stop emailing me now...go through pay pal or
ebay...b/c you suck at this ebay thing, and as a
person in general. Like I want my kid playing with
something that was wrapped in your old towels...I
don't who the hell you are or what kind of disease
you carry...but evidently it has effected your
brain.

I thought she might carry diseases b/c she gave me some sob story about how she works how many jobs as a nurse and blah blah blah..I really didn't care. Then she told me I was sick for writing her such an email and reported me to Ebays customer relations. This woman IS such a cow... I think you should tell her so, here is her email

california143@yahoo.com okay, so that's a little mean..what ever, she needs to refund my $. You don't have to email her..but I am not stopping you either. You didn't get it from here though.

tags: ebay ; seller ; bad ; storytime theater ; cow ;

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Just Kidding, just having fun with my new profile pic.

Click here to see how i had fun with photo shop.

The hooker Block

My DC radio station today is doing a song block about hookers.

Can you think of any?

Here are a few from todays hooker block.

Nicky by Prince

Wrong Way by Sublime

She's Craft by Beastie Boys

Thanks for the memories by Fall out Boys

And probably the most famous hooker song... Roxanne by The Police

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE LYRICS

That is a weird topic to write a song about...we should do our own song block about something weird to sing about. How about ...songs about feet? or is that too out there? You pic a topic.

Some Friday Humor

Parents, always check your child's homework.

Tater Tots Costume

This is the costume I made for my tater tot!

Sunrise

Here is a pic of that Sunrise I was telling ya'll about the other day. Just got around to posting it.
Pretty Cool huh? Looks like fire in the sky.